Friday, September 15, 2006

Eat, drink and spend Daddy's money


"Whee! Somebody loves me, and I’m all aglow. Kenny Miller, a boy in my English class, recently called up and asked if he could come over and compare notes with me on our Macbeth papers. We worked at a big table in our living-room while Mother and Dad read, and it was all very peaceful until we went out to the kitchen for a snack. It didn’t seem to me that I was being unduly generous with the family vittles, but Mother and Daddy nearly blew two fuses when they discovered what I had fed him. Wouldn’t you think they’d be delighted that I was clever enough to attract a boy, that they’d be happy to let me treat him rather royally?"

I wasn’t around (really) in the fifties, but I’m willing to wager that not even then did girls write out “Whee!” in letters. (As the late Mitch Hedberg said, “That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.”) And judging by the picture, it doesn’t look like she did much more than make him a sandwich. Sure, it’s a Dagwood, but still, she didn’t sear the filet mignon and pry open the Dom Perignon. I think Mom and Dad are more concerned that Tess is 35 and still living at home, using words like “vittles” and expressions like “blew two fuses.” Not since a 29-year-old Alan Ruck tried to pass himself off as teenage Cameron Frye has there been such a miscast. And Kenny looks like he should be a stand-in for Irving R. Levine at the CBS bureau office. Y’all just need to grow up and move out. That’ll pacify the parental units.

And that ain't a bottle of milk he's staring at.

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